Why You Shouldn’t Expect Your Best Friend’s QUALITIES IN YOUR LOVER

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I recently made a mistake.

I compared my partner, a heterosexual man, to my best friends. My friends are understanding. My friends are empathetic. My friends can feel my pain. Why can’t you??? Little did I realize, each character in my life serves a different purpose. My friends play the role of being my emotional support system — lending an ear and a heart when I’m at my lowest. When we meet, we’re either having a blast running around the city, or pouring wisdom, love, and wine glasses.

But partners play a different role. They are the home you seek after said adventure, the peace you rest your head on. Without saying a word, without even understanding whatever it is you are blabbering on about, they welcome your heart into a resting stage.

We go to our parents for different reasons than we go to our siblings. We go to our siblings for different reasons than we go to our best friends. And yet, we expect all the best qualities of each to manifest in our partners.

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I recently came across an interview, where someone described what it means to be in a marriage. Traditionally (as sexist as it may be), the women sought a home and financial security. The men yearned for someone to take care of the kids (aka their legacy), maintain said home, and turn the funds that they bring in into a tangible meal. Love, to be honest, was a second (or even third) tier need. That’s why when one or the other messed up, it wasn’t that serious. The expectation for them not to mess up, was very low to begin with.

Times have changed, however. Now we don’t only seek for a romantic alliance, but a partner who is also a best friend, a lover, a provider, a confidant, an emotional support system, and a travel buddy. They need to be someone who understands every quirk and corner of you, someone who thinks like you, and someone with the same energy levels as you. Not only is this expectation incredibly unrealistic, but damaging as well. During your honeymoon phase you might be CONVINCED you found a person just like that. You marry, you’re happy, you’re living in harmony, until suddenly, something happens and you disagree. Your high expectations are shattered and you are shocked.

The interview went on to explain that this is the cause of most divorces — the expectations are too damn high. The quest to have your partner fulfill every single one of your needs is harmful. As I watched this interview (maybe half a year ago), I agreed with much enthusiasm. “You can’t expect your partner to be your end-all!” I proclaimed. And yet, there I was, frustrated that mine couldn’t understand me like my friends could. Theory, and practice, are two very different realities, I learned.

I have the most incredible friends — the kind you bare your soul to and have a serious emotional relationship with. Things are understood without needing to be verbalized. We can laugh, we can cry, and we will always have each other’s backs. I know I will find comfort with them for decades to come.

I also have the most incredible partner — the kind that no matter what, somehow always chooses me. The kind that wakes up early to shovel the car out of the snow when I absolutely do not want to do no such thing. The kind that pours love into my dog as if it’s his own blood child. One that plans, strategizes, and makes sure we’re on time to things when he knows I never do. He brings strengths to my weaknesses, and I provide energy where he tires. We are completely different, which brings difficulties to the table as well. My job is to make sure the table (and my heart) is big enough for all our problems and our powers to have a seat, so that we may eat a meal together and coexist in harmony.